Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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