It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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