I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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