JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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