but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
