Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize