his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
