He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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