My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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