i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
