I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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