birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
