did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
FUCK WHALES
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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