i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
