How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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