I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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