I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
