I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
