pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She needs sedatives and a leash
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
