totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
