I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
