I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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