fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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