someone threw a dead crab at me
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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