Umm I'm too high to move.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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