I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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