Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
