Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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