Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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