someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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