It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
