He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
