It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she peed on how many people?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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