dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
