Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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