my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
