I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Randomize
