You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
