Betty ford says i'm here all night
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
