he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
