My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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