Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
