Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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