Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
