I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
