Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
