my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
