There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
