Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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