im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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