Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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