remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
