i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
