Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize