hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
