got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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