I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I need a burrito and a hug.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
