i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
