i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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