I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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