I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
