i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
